2021
A cookbook that requires no cooking. Each recipe ends in a QR code that directs to that food on Postmates near you. Hardcover. 200 pages. Yes it really works. Everyone who attended the 2021 Oscars got one. So it’s possible some well-known people have this book on their coffee table. Assuming people like Brad Pitt have coffee tables. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been to his house.
2023
For the high-performance office. There’s only one way to tell this cabinet is supercharged, and it’s not how smooth the drawers slide. You can tell this cabinet is supercharged by the Italian luxury sportscar manufacturer decal on the upper right. Once again, it’s not how smooth the drawers slide. Though they do slide pretty smooth.
2021
Sometimes when you’re really hungry, recreational swan boats look different. To reserve one in Echo Park, please visit wheelfunrentals.com/ca/los-angeles/echo-park and click the ‘Reservations are Required. Book Now.’ button. Unfortunately, the rotisserie chicken boat is no longer bookable. My guess is someone ate it. But that’s both speculatory and impossible.
2023
Like a rookie card. But a mustard bottle. Limited run of 150. As typical with rookie cards, rookie bottles will retain their highest value if kept in uneaten condition. Rookie bottles are also included in select wholesale cases purchased by retailers. Just like rookie cards. But mustards.
2023
A shelf made of scaffolds. Weighs just under 400 pounds. Held together with ratchet straps. Please note, this shelf is a tip-over risk and must be attached to a wall securely with the hardware provided. Seriously. This is not IKEA. Do not ignore the “must attach to wall” thing. These are very heavy and dangerous scaffolds.
2022
Launching the gourmet dijon mustard of college football running back Bijan Robinson, under new NIL guidelines. Commercials. Packaging. Stunts. Products. Website. Social. The mustard leaked just days before launch when someone found it in a supermarket and posted on Twitter. Truth be told, there wasn’t really a playbook for building a gourmet football mustard brand. Which is ironic. Football itself has lots of playbooks. Good ones too.
2025
Please stop honking near the intersection of 8th Ave and Union St in Park Slope. It will not make you move any faster. Also I am in my living room about 30 feet away trying to watch Love Island. And I keep having to rewind the conversations.
2023
A burgled burglar mask. Some burglars claim to be burglars, but you shouldn’t always trust them. One way to verify that the burglar you’re looking to hire is legitimate, is by checking their mask for an anti-theft security tag. If it doesn’t have one, they may have paid for it honestly. And you never want to hire an honest burglar. That would just be plain stupid.
2024
The dumbest Apple Studio Display ever. Made with authentic Apple parts but not affiliated with Apple at all. I like to think Steve Jobs would’ve smiled at this. Right before issuing an aggressive cease and desist letter, and swiftly filing numerous injunctions against me personally, of course. That man did not play around. Or so I’ve heard. He’s never told me that personally.
2022
An unwelcoming welcome mat. Beacuse some entrances aren’t for entering. Some entrances are just there because that’s how the house or apartment was designed and changing the entrance into a solid wall would be a lot of work. Not to mention the monetary cost. Labor and materials are expensive these days. It’s a lot easier to just let your guests know which entrance to use. Which is definitely not the one by this mat.
2023
A mustard-based tour tee. Luckily all the dates and cities line up perfectly with Bijan's Atlanta Falcons NFL game schedule. Not sure what we would’ve done if they didn’t. Probably cancel the whole tour? If even one date or city was off, that could’ve been catastrophic. But luckily they all line up perfectly, like I said above.
